Nu Attitude

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Serving Time…Emancipation Road

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“Sometimes your greatest testimony is that you went through the fires of life and did not come out smelling like smoke.” – Tony Warrick

afm @ 12

Love, an addiction to suffering.

Gotcha!!

Ahhh Life! you probably thought this was all about relationships and you are right! It’s all about that. A mighty powerful influence upon a person’s identity and viewpoints if you are not vigilant. I would like to paint this as flowers and babies smiling, but the truth sometimes is that… “Life will kick and bite depending on perspective and especially if external experiences define our identity.”

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

I have finally grasped that a willingness to unlearn and forgive is key to healing self. This becoming whole, healing shit, and working at being emotionally independent is no easy task. Nevertheless, relationship(s) is the car we ride into living fully. The conclusion of a year-long, very karmic learning lesson ended recently.

I.N.T.U.I.T.I.O.N.

Listen here: Neva ignore this B*tch!! The light bulbs consistently came on, and the red flags continuously unfurled. Still, I ignored my better (higher) mind. It was like the slap in the movie “Moonstruck,” I needed to snap out of it. I had an inkling of the purpose and importance of the relationship, but the magnitude of influence on my sense of personal power, self-esteem, and addiction to suffering was an unknown quantity.

Illusions, Fantasies, and Projections

I saw myself and was brought face to face with how I was showing up in my personal relationships…powerless and inauthentic. I hadn’t accepted who I have been and still saw love as suffering, a battle manufactured in the present because of unbelief. Very subtly and not-so-subtly, I saw I was still perpetuating victimhood even as someone more aware. I had no choice but to ride this train or see this station again.

Revisiting a Life Course

While I have learned to welcome lessons as lessons, I did not feel a do-over on a lesson that took 19 years to complete. I was taking the final exam and it was clutch time. Confronted with me, I had to release the past, forgive everyone (myself included), and choose to love. I dove in and leaned into something bigger than me. I finally spoke my truth with voice shaking, claimed my own power, and cut the energetic cords on self-inflicted toxicity.

Me now with that Smile like the 12-year-old girl in the photo.

I saw this the other day and it says succinctly what I desire…“Authentic, Aligned, and Content.”

I can soooo get with it! How about you?

drew beamer via Unsplash

Cheers!

Cosmic Love, Stay Golden 💃afm/NdrB

Learning to Respect My Spark, I Never Thought I Would😱👀

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An article I read posed the question…. “what is the goal of the writing?”

“I write to take the shackles off my feet so I can DANCE.”

On the real, this is my passage to healing. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually it’s all a part of a heavenly plan. I write out loud cause it keeps me from engaging in my favorite pastime…. overthinking.

God knows I’ve got to get this Schtuff out of my head somehow, then What?!! 🤨 So, my dominant intention is to possibly help someone embrace their “bubbling mass of idiosyncrasies,” and live well on their terms.

It’s specifically these “someones” I write to help feel a little less emotionally disorganized with a desire to bless and encourage those “who are tired.” Let’s begin again anew, choose to live free and brave and adopt a #nuAttitude

A Mass of Generational Bullsh*T

I was hesitant to include the following passage in this piece, but spirit compels me to offer a lil more context. Frankly, many times in my life I’ve felt lost and been out-of-control.

Wreckless with some serious baggage, I often did myself a disservice and have felt its effects across my life in a BIG way.

Consequently, my frame of mind and emotional state used to be and at times still is influenced by a tough family relationship (i.e. mother-daughter). This bond has been fraught with conflict and avoidance.

There are some deep wounds. You see, thoughts, beliefs, and actions have been colored by this relationship more than I’d care to admit, even now. Though I continue to learn through this relationship, when I judge it, I still have to ask myself the question “what still needs healing in me?” (thank you Michel Roy👊🏽!!)

The answer most definitely becomes better boundaries, emotional freedom, and maturity. I can get behind a WooHoo on that!🙌

Nevertheless, it’s because of the emotional mess, it seems I’ve been on this journey of 10,000 steps to bring focus to rest upon and encourage revolt and intelligence.

Unhealed Emotions will Manufacture Chaos

Yessiree, in my addiction and co-dependency, I stayed way past its expiration date and made some pretty poor choices. Opting for comfort, laziness, and a perceived need to escape, I let feelings of shame and guilt stunt my growth in some aspects and keep me from living emotionally self-sufficient.

I now see every life experience along this journey emphasizes the idea – one must choose to be all-in and not half-ass with this enduring learning process.

  “life is business one must learn to run well” NdrB.

To define emotions – “a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others,” so feeling a lil emotionally worn-out, I believe is an experience we all face. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.

The evergreen lesson I continue to ingest is some relationships are instigators and harbingers of change as well as agitators and aggravators to move us out of the comfort and co-dependency we so dearly cling to sometimes.

Therefore, How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

Acknowledgment. The benefit of this kind of exercise helps to let feelings and emotions be what they are…. visitors with information.

So, it’s the “her” still wanting to be addicted and a victim that I write to acknowledge, accept, heal, and let go of attachments with grace. Writing allows life to be visible to understand and make some sense of experiences, past, present, and future to be.

I’m now willing to address and gain more awareness and more understanding. I write to shine a light on the forgotten girl inside and on the outer addict.

All This Reflection Calls For Being Vulnerable

Openness hasn’t always been an easy feat. Life scars of varying intensities (some more so, than others) I’ve learned can either hinder or propel us forward.

That’s okay because in doing so, discovery will happen and more layers will peel away. Subsequently, a choice is made to move beyond comfort into allowing questions and answers to arise.

With faith, hope, willingness, and a renewed perspective, feelings and emotions help us dare to make better choices emotionally, embrace and manage change, and commence to #choosejoyandlivewell.

**Meet me on the dance floor of life. Take the “shackles off your feet and come dance with me!**

Stay Golden

💃afm/NdrB

#1 Photo by david charles schuett via Unsplash

#2 Photo by Aline de Nadai on Unsplash

© 2020

songVibe: Just Like You/Keisha Cole

“Healing is not linear.” – Victor LaValle

**Could you use a lil something, something for inspiration, encouragement, and motivation?**

***click the image below for something you can use!!🥰💃🏽

The trans-formative magic of intention

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“I don’t believe you have to be better than everybody else, I believe you have to better than you ever thought you could be.” Ken Venturi

With young, rose-hued exuberance, I had grand ideas.

A lifetime spent in wreckless abandon, self-medication was a foremost element to provide courage to live. Life was a real no goood Charley existence.

To clarify, I realize how much I can create the discord and uneasiness that radiates out to others and manifests in my life. 

Consequently, I’ve learned a thing or two or three over the years. 

You can’t make this stuff uP! Even so, I’ve come to see an acceptance of what is and respect for what has been as golden. Time and age have taught me resilience and tenacity.

My desire to make better life decisions, trust myself and trust God in my life is what matters now. There are thanks being given in all things, the good and the not-so-good.

Enter “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz

I use these intents daily to guide my prayers and help lead me to quiet, balanced and joyfull living.

These practical agreements can help anyone to live with freedom and peace. 

To illustrate, I commit to…
Ø I honor my personal agreements – my thoughts and spoken words are powerful. I create boundaries where I’ve once had none.
Ø take nothing personally – it’s not about me. I’ve come to realize and understand what people think, say and do reflect them not me.
Ø don’t make assumptions – as Felix Unger would say “when you assume, you make an ass of you and me.” I ask questions, I get clarity.
Ø I always do my best – maintain integrity in everything I do.

My spirit whispers … be consistent. 

I’ve fought to chase away the distractions in this becoming, and with the same gusto, I’m addicted to having my sh*t together!

In other words, a requirement for living well is my active participation, not my passive onlooking. Even more, it means to show up and commit to balance in the present moment.

An ongoing, habit-forming work helps me to practice calmness. I get it now. You see, when I get right down to it, “this moment is what it’s all about in the quest to live brave.” 

So Yes, have a little “peace of mind” pie, thank you!

Inspire Encourage Motivate

Stay Golden

💃afm/NdrB

*** One last gem by Louise Hay… “Turn every experience into an opportunity.”

It’s YOUR time. Learn to grow and bloom where you’re planted on this journey! With love use every experience as an opportunity to grow and find inspiration to say “YES and!”

songVibe: I’m Still Standing/Elton John

Photo credit: designecologist/Unsplash

 

Monster & Magnificence, Better Understood

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From distraction to freedom
I know difficult relationship stuff, fully and intimately. So, with a thoughtful eye, I re-visit judgements on my maternal association.
I love her very much and moments of anxiety about our relationship have saddened me. The relationship has been a trying one with some interesting dynamics.

Nevertheless, I eventually became sufficiently “worn-out from carrying the weight of unforgiveness, I choose to drop it.”
Our bond has gotten better since returning home, I cuss and pray a lot! I’ve written on these feelings before; however, my lens at the time of that writing was still tainted.
Evergreen life lessons have been learned in our relationship journeys. I now attempt to understand not just our relationship better but all my relationships better.

Here I am a woman of a certain age

From a healthier view, I realize “she & I” are one (in our generational family dysfunction). Two sides of the same coin…. shadow and light.
We share the same inner A**hat, the parts cracked, scared, hurting, defensive and too proud. The humor…this story is nothing novel.

Dorothy, I came home!
I once read an article where a woman reflected on her difficult mother/daughter relationship and her conflicted feelings.
My question after reading …. how do I reconcile a conflict of so many feelings?
My answer… right here in this space is how I heal and grow. Personal and emotional growth lies on the other side of willingness with admission and acceptance that self-love begins here. As I heal, so does she. We are One. 

Monster & Magnificence, this is ME.

Stay Golden

💃afm/NdrB

**songVibe: This Is Me/The Greatest Showman Soundtrack

Photo credit:

#1 Felicia Buitenwerf/Unsplash

Always on my mind-The all-purpose recollection

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Bernard Hermant/Unsplash

Not always the brightest bulb in the lamp, I find it funny how watching a program can hit you right at the core of something going on with you at the moment. A thoughtful flash brought an episode of “Black Mirror” titled …. “The Entire History of You” to mind, and the examination of human idiosyncrasy.

This particular episode posed people are given the ability to record everything said, done and heard with the aid of an electronic appliance (a memory implant). This device in your head enables playback, review, and rewind much like a DVR. In other words, the device can potentially assist someone to become fixated on “what’s wrong,” such as past mistakes, failures, and offenses through this easy retrievable.

An electronic aid to remember?

Do we really need one? Our ability to remember is already present; it’s the subject matter that’s selective. This episode was a strikingly clear illustration of a person’s obsessive focus on the past (I resemble that! ha-ha), Honestly.

Nevertheless, I’m not always particularly fond of my frequent boo-boo visitations. Buuut, I’m a “want to understand this sh*T” kind of person. I’ve made some pretty big Boo-Boos and tore up some sh*t, like a natural disaster.

The point I ramble to is this…. with or without some tech gadget, we will replay our f*ups pretty frequently. “If a person’s natural focus is poisoned, they will always find ways to destroy their life and relationships.”

So, the question, “why is it our natural inclination is to focus on our failures, shortcomings & other aversions?” It’s like digging for dirt, you’ll find it! If there is a moral, it’s … “unhappiness will be found if one is in search of it.” Funny huh?

Nick Fewings/Unspalsh

Final Thoughts

The moments of “personal contentment” are through understanding, appreciation, and acceptance of what is and all the many funny sides of ourselves and life.

The truth, we are definitely so much more than the mistakes we’ve made on our journey.

Stay Golden

💃afm/NdrB

songVibe: Bad Guy/Billie Eilish

Photo credit:

#1 Bernard Hermant/Unsplash

#2 Yikes!

#3 Nick Fewings/Unsplash

K. Fulton said, “there are no victims in this class.”

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Be Victorious

Priscilla duPreez/Unsplash

K. Fulton, aka My Raqueletta Moss!

First, the set-up…

WHO is Raqueletta Moss?

This is a fictional character from a show called “She’s Gotta Have It.”

As an overcomer, she’s a woman who’s been through some pretty traumatic life experiences.

Even though, she becomes a mentor and strong influence on the main character of the show.

Now, WHO Is K. Fulton?

Well, let me tell ya!

K. Fulton was a wise, strong, no nonsense, compassionate, and supportive female presence at an interesting period in my life.

I saw her as all the things I thought I was not…. confident, magnificent, stately.

I was in awe of her presence and command!

What’s the connection? She’s my “Raqueletta Moss!”

Here’s why….

I was messing around trying to do something constructive, so I registered for classes at City College.

As a new and mature student who did not know what she wanted, I took a dance class.

This woman was my dance instructor and heroine.

When it came time to do our final, we had to recreate a piece we were taught.

In a beginners’ dance class, skill and proficiency were of varying levels.

For those of us who were dance challenged, we were scared sh*tless!

Fear and anticipation hung in the air, everyone wanted to put forth their best.

K. Fulton made a statement before we began our dance…

“Do your best, there are no victims in this class.”

The dance routines took many different expressions, and there was one team of two whose personify the title of this piece.

Their dancing was rhythmically challenged and their effort was admirable.

Life’s a class and it’s always in session.

I know you would agree and true enough, doing something new can be “shakin in u’r boots” scary, but living is scary too.

So, make choices to learn, experience, grow, transform, and love to defeat fear.

Moral of the story…. Scared?! Do it anyway!

Bring all you got with gusto and do your best in everything.

I remember K. Fulton lovingly, aka My Raqueletta Moss!

Stay Golden

?afm/drB

 

The Importance to Know Your Why.

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The Thought

This is a personal reflection.

2018 is shaping into the kind of year with big changes, revelations, epiphanies, and new possibilities on the horizon.

Seeds planted many moons ago are beginning to manifest.

It has been an intense 10 + years and I can now say I know my why……

This is a story about how I eventually became clear of its importance in my life.

Stop over and read the full post @ Medium

Manage Change like a Boss. Stay Golden

afm/drB